A couple of years ago, we found out the property next to us was going to be developed into 17 large “upscale” homes. Seven of these consumer castles towered over our no-longer-private yard. One winter you have absolute calm; the next, heavy equipment shakes the earth while cheap laborers hammer away on lighter-skinned-peoples’ dream homes.

The noise started early and ended late. Cement trucks, saws, sanders, nail guns, almost constant salsa-style music.

I did what any semi-sane person would do: I bought an electric guitar, set up an amp and a mic in the garage and played it loud, ranting that the developer was a douche bag and that building these big castles was going to ruin the neighborhood.

We moved the same week P.F. Chang’s opened up a half-mile from the old house.

Now, we live in the south hills. Very quiet… Until we found out the neighbor lady is Looney Tunes crazy.

Twice, while we were gone, this lady has come up on our porch and cut up our Christmas lights. Not unplugged Christmas lights. She cut them while they were plugged in. The first time, she cut one strand of lights. The next time, she cut seven. I know it was her because I found the cutters she used in a basket by her door.

This is not some teenager. It’s a 52-year-old attorney. I Googled her name and found out she has had her law license suspended for one year due to several documented complaints.

We have never really talked to this lady because she’s the type where you can tell she’s a bitch from a distance. She never complained to us that our moderate Christmas display bothered her. She just came up the stairs and cut them.

A few days later someone (we figure it’s the same neighbor lady) dropped off a bag with three strands of rope lights – less than half the number she cut. I guess we settled out of court.

I’ve since added several strands of colored blinking lights that I leave on all night, and I’m in the market for one of those big singing dancing Santas. Or maybe I’ll start playing my guitar again.

DUMB IT DOWN FOR THE MASSES

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::sample:: “Key to Life”

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Track Listings

1. Intro by Doug
2. Dumb it Down
3. Special Olympics
4. Handicapped Parking
5. Queer Rights
6. War on the Homeless
7. Killers for Hire
8. Coon Hunter
9. Death
10. The Carnival
11. Too Many Erections
12. Earth First
13. Tragedy Channel
14. Wal-Mart Sucks
15. Hidden Track ]]> http://andyandrist.com/?feed=rss2&p=3